Exit Strategies

“Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them.”

~ Henry David Thoreau

I’ve been meaning to post this for some time now, but life seems to always get the better of my good intentions.

Last semester, a friend withdrew from the MA program.  She’d been unhappy for a long time so perhaps leaving was the best choice for her self-preservation.  However, her departure left far too many unresolved issues.  I hope that she’ll be able to sort them out, but it takes a great deal of time and effort to overcome your perceived failures and begin to trust yourself again.

She left without a plan B.  Given how the program had disappointed her, I’m not sure if she still wants to be a journalist, no less pursue the idea of finishing her degree.  One of our last meetings was at a breakfast café, and I took the picture of the sculpture that hangs above the café entrance.

September’s Song

It’s a picturesque autumn day outside; billowy clouds are drifting along the bright sunny sky and there’s just a hint of a breeze.  So nice, but all I can think about is going back to bed.

Thesis insomnia is already setting in and I haven’t even started to tackle the theories and methods revisions. Half the night was spent going through all the possible scenarios, recalibrating which pairs of theories and methods would be the most parsimonious.  No, I haven’t come up with an answer, only the conclusion that narrative theory no longer fits.  This is good, because I’m not interviewing anyone.  I won’t even start talking about my thoughts on French theorists – though, I’m still perplexed at the rockstar treatment that Sartre and Derrida get in certain circles….Michel Foucault, Pierre Bourdeau, Saussure, Barthes, Baudrillard…I’m ashamed to say that I can only think of two French female intellectuals: Simone Weil and Simone de Beauvoir.  Of the two, I admire Simone Weil much more as she was a person of integrity and spirit.

So, the day’s been a mental struggle all day.  I forgot my coffee in my sister’s car so I had to run across the street to Starbucks, but I told myself that I shouldn’t go just before 9 a.m. since that’s when all the professors I’m trying to avoid get their fix.  Sadly, what do I do?  Yes, I was standing there in line, still clearly half-asleep talking to my professors at about 8:55 a.m.  And I just got an email that said I volunteered for a day-trip in two weeks – I thought I hit the decline button.  Whatever, there’s too much guilt in backing out now.

*Heavy sigh* If you haven’t read PhD Comics, it’s a must read – it perfectly illustrates my entire existence at the moment.

Methods?  Well, there’s a correct way to do things, but um…mine seems to be latched more on to luck than logic.

And yes, my files of old research data and papers are a bit more haphazard looking but you get the gist.

As the work day of September wanes, I’m leaving by listening to one of my favorite artists – Ian McCulloch.  Oddly enough, I kind of find the “poor quality” of this video kind of charming.  It provides a rather romantically haunting effect – Heathcliff along the bleak moors.  Yes, I’ve never read the book, but I know the cliché just the same.

Unnecessary Melodrama

I just passed my thesis chair in the hallway, and he saw me of course.  So, I’ll need to make an appointment to see him soon.  Though, I’m sure he knows I’m reluctant to do so given my whimpering reply to his greeting. Oh well, I don’t need the extra drama of hiding from my academic objectives.

Speaking of unnecessary drama, I came across a blog entry this morning: How the Brontës divide humanity.  I’ve never been one for gothic romance, Jane Eyre was required AP reading but I’ve never read Wuthering Heights, though my younger sister loves it.  Ironically, Gothic Feminist Literature was my first semester assigned freshman English class.  I loathed that class so much.  The instructor was nice, and tried to make us understand the feminist themes – but, I still hated the heroines in those books.

But the blog entry is interesting nonetheless – it suggests that: “the Men, particularly, seem much more likely to rate Wuthering Heights and slate Jane Eyre.”  I’m not terribly surprised as I have known quite a few people who thrive on the attention of the prima donnas.  Men who know full well that certain women are utter nonsense and are only about their own egos and domination the weak-willed socially inept; yet, these same men will fall all over themselves to get those women’s scant attention.  But that can also be said with women and the “bad boy” type.

I can certainly understand it. Some people just like being miserable, I guess.

And there are others who would rather get away from it all.  A girlfriend of mine went through her own melodrama of being the “rebound” girl.  She was involved with this great guy and all seemed to be going well, but then she found out that the guy was still talking to his previous love interest.  It was terrible for her to be thought of as the fool, being well aware of the situation but feigning ignorance just the same.  At first, I had suggested that she give him the benefit of the doubt and perhaps talk to him about it.  I had suggested that people deserve a second chance.  She’s older than me and has already been through a traumatic divorce so she’s a bit more reserved about such matter, if not a bit cynical.

I don’t know if she ever confronted him about it (I doubt that she did), but I’ve had a change of heart since then.  She’s better off just letting it go (the relationship).  Being made a fool the first time is bad enough, but do you open yourself to letting it happen a second time?  Sadly, sometimes that’s what happens with second chances.  People should be judged for what they do rather than what they say as their actions often betray their “sincere” utterances. The second time makes it very clear how people feel about you.  For me, someone who isn’t into melodrama, I have better things to do and would rather talk to someone who doesn’t wish I was someone else when they’re talking to me.

Although I’m not a fan of the Brontës, I suppose I’m more the low-key librarian type if I had to choose.  I’d rather keep that type of drama on the pages – especially as the thesis calls.

The Latecomer’s Lament

I’ve decided to cut back on my caffeine consumption (yes, I can hear your collective cries of “oh, noes!”).  So, my post-caffeine hours move like molasses, leaving me tired, listless and, as of late, overwrought by the amount of mental stimulation online.  In particular is this endless and seemingly ambiguous debate over the future of the publishing industry given the advent of the numerous e-readers, the proliferation of self-publishing options and mass culture’s general declining interest in reading.

So, the seismic communication shift to everything online/digital is being felt by the literary publishing industry but journalism has been dealing with it for years and is still grappling with the same questions.  I have to admit, however, that the view is different when you’re a participant than an observer.

For much of the summer, I’ve been able to avoid thinking about these things but now that school’s back in session…the mental arithmetic begins.  I just spent most of the morning talking about blogging business model – augh, that topic is beaten to death by now.  Then, I had a long conversation with a colleague about our respective academic paths.  We’re both latecomers to this “adult” notion of doing what’s necessary to get to the next point in our lives.  He’s trying to find the correct motivation to take the classes he needs to take to get his program started; whereas, I’m trying to find the proper focus and passion to finish mine.

One of my professors likes to use the marriage analogy when it comes to your thesis topic – you’ve got to be in it for the long haul.  I like to remind her that 50% of marriages fail and the number’s high because of serial divorcers like me to who keep changing thesis topics…what can I say, when the passion’s just not there you’ve got to undergo that traumatic thesis breakup.  Eh…maybe third time’s the charm?  Well, it has to be…my thesis chair saw me yesterday so he knows I’m alive.  Can’t hide and just need to get this done.

Though, quite frankly, neither of us really knows what we’d do after that…but it’s not so much an issue of being directionless or not having goals.  Rather, it’s dealing with this universal sense of uncertainty that looms ahead.  May be that’s the latecomer’s lament.  You take the time to realize what you want to do but upon making those decisions life gets all topsy-turvy so you’ve got to reassess everything.  So, we are proceeding with caution now.

The Best Laid Schemes

Midway through this thesis journey,
I find myself in a dark wood.

I allowed life and work to lead me astray.

I wandered from the straight path
and now cannot find my way.

Life’s more difficult for some, but it’s never easy for anyone.   Myself?  Well, time management just isn’t my forte – like that wasn’t obviously from my numerous procrastination attempts.  I know this, so I’m always looking for ways to streamline my work, ways to simplify my life and let me tell you that technology isn’t always the answer.

We’re all doing more with less these days, so I had this brilliant idea (“brilliant” alone should have clued me in about the impending disaster).  Since I was so “experienced” at this blogging thing, I thought I’d just create one for work to streamline my communication duties and get information out there faster.

So…why didn’t anyone tell me that there was so much coding needed to do this?!  My quick project took all of Sunday and most of Monday was spent updating and making it more user-friendly.  Yes, I may have obsessed over the details a little too much, but I’ve got a snarky audience (perhaps no different here either).

I had used a funky typewriter font on a header graphic I designed, and one of the younger folks told me that she didn’t know what a typewriter was no less what a typewriter font was…geez.  So, that logo was thrown out – such a generational gap.  Yeah, I felt old, but that’s the least of my current problems.

The old adage goes: the best laid schemes o’ mice an’ men.  Distraction trapped me and taking on those design projects has completely thrown me out of sync with my thesis work…so, I’m back in this mental literary/academic funk again.

Where’s an inspirational Virgil when you need one?  I didn’t even want to blog today, but I know that if I didn’t I wouldn’t ever return.  So, here’s my entry and here’s to a long enthralling night translating academicese.   Wonderful!

The Forced Self-entertainment of a New Tech Addict

Tap, tap, tap…wait, wait, wait.  It’s on, no off, on?  What do you mean there’s no connection!  But I can see the little world icon thingy, that means the “internets” on, right, right?  Crap, now I have to read those 300 pages I’ve already printed out.  Oh, but I don’t have the ones, I really, really need.  Damn you internets – conspiring with fate to deal out my comeuppance for my procrastination.  It figures that God would have to remind me of his existence today.  Fine, I’ll go read and wait or maybe I’ll go out.  Dang, I’ll shower and stuff then.  Oh well, at least I can get some discounted chocolate bunnies and bite their heads off.

Seriously, though I’m making some headway on this thesis thing but of course my online connection was sporadic at best yesterday. Luckily, I still have my two-year old brick of a cell phone for internet emergencies.  Though given the rapid rate of technological innovation, my phone has become obsolete so I went and checked out the latest models.  I’m an admitted nerd, but honestly, most of the technobabble about hardware, processing speed and programs goes over my head.  I’m more concerned about coverage, service and can this thing do what I want it to do.

BUT (drool) after seeing the new models I was like: “Ooo, what does this button do?  There’s an app for that?!”  Yeah, I’m a marker’s dream: “What new Coke? How new, what it’s like?  I’m sold.” I am so jonesing for the new Droid even if it doesn’t have Windows OS.  So, what sold me?  Well, I can walk around and say “I have my own Droid a la young Skywalker.”  AND it’s a got a game that’s like Super Breakout, my very first Atari game!  TOTALLY AWESOME!  Man, those were the days.  Good times, good times my friend.

Theories Overload & Mapping the Imagination

Okay, fair warning, this is a rambling nerd speak entry.  Yes, it’s late or early depending on your location and sense of time.  My insomnia is allowing me about two or three hours of sleep before anxiety jolts me out of bed.  So, here I am…yea (whimper).

I figure I’d be productive and jot down what little clarity of logic I have in this state of delirium: and the fact is that my thesis is bogged down with too many theories.  I’ve thrown out about 3 of the 6 that I was toying with (told you it was a lot).  I may still need to pare it down to just two for parsimony which means that I have to revise my theory linkage and usage of concepts.  Since I’m examining media coverage of an issue, framing was one of my main theories but I can use “framing” as a verb or as a narrative technique instead of a driving theory.  That might work, but it probably won’t change my methods.  I’m still proposing a triangulation using a combination of qualitative and quantitative methods which I know that at least one of my committee members may not like especially when I’m thinking about it being a three part process instead of the two I had originally stated.

Oh, they’ll just love that change!  Sarcasms aside, it seems that new theories and research are relying more and more on combining qualitative and quantitative methods.  This is good as I’ve always thought that this “purism in methods feud” in academia is a bit silly at times.

However, I’m a bit conflicted about some of the new literary theories (Next Big Thing in English) that are being developed and the meddling of science and literature.  First, I think that these are interesting and novel approaches to examining the importance of literature in our lives.  It makes sense that we would process text differently is an MRI map proving anything concrete or meaningful about imagination – or maybe that’s the academic point, using objective data to support the obvious?  D’oh.  I blame my lack of sleep.

Anyway, the obvious aside, this quote is interesting: “Getting to the root of people’s fascination with fiction and fantasy, Mr. Gottschall said, is like ‘mapping wonderland.’”  I’m not so sure if I want a map.

But Zunshine’s research on a reader’s different mental states is intriguing: “If I have some ideological agenda,” she said, “I would try to construct a narrative that involved a triangularization of minds, because that is something we find particularly satisfying.”

My convoluted writing is usually by accident and as a result of my lack of communication skills (or sleep in this case).  So, I may need a map of to be purposely convoluted to hide my ideological agenda.

These theories are just building on existing literary theories they say, but how is research on these levels of mental states different from semiotic research and theory?  Is it that pure semiotic research is looking at the text as data and the author’s intent (message and sender) while this one is focused on (how the receiver processes the text)?  The researchers are using Jane Austin’s work as an example, and it’s throwing me off since I’ve only read one of her novels.  However, I think I get the fundamental difference.

It’s all very interesting, but they’re all about the development of meaning through communication which is always dependent on the individual.  Each one of us, as authors and readers, project something of ourselves into what we read and create, and that personal history, knowledge and experience will influence how we interpret the work and how it impacts us.  I think that is what makes writing magical, and I’m not so keen to the idea of my imagination and private world being broken into parts to be explained and mapped out.

Then again, that’s what I do with my story lines and character developments.  Sigh, okay this conflicted hypocrite is going to bed now.  I’ll be up in about another three hours if I’m lucky.

The Madness Begins

Abandon hope all ye who enter here.

The thesis ghosts have begun their nightly vigil.  They touch my sleep with visions of grandeur, thoughts of my own brilliance only to tease me as they soon dissipate and then cowardice of spirit and doubt seep in; theories and thoughts are mangled up, images of demons appear  taunting me to clarify, voices echo , screaming for me to FOCUS, SYNTHESIZE… parsimony, look for parsimony – or was it parsley?

Tossing and turning, I sandwiched my head between the pillows to drown out the sounds.  All for naught, insomnia has already marked me; so begins my descent into the nightmarish abyss and my slow transformation into a thesis zombie.

Coffee…brains need brains…coffee…

Thesis Outline

Thesis Outline Comic from PhD Comics

It’s just 20 pages, bitch.  Get to it. That’s my current mantra.

It’s just the introduction, the literature review and your methods – that’s nothing and you’ve already got the skeletal structure; fill in the flesh.  It’s just a draft and your committee will just throw it back with hella corrections and suggestions anyway.

The problem with academic writing is that it’s all about fear: fear of plagiarizing and fear that you will never have an original thought ever.  Everything’s been done before and better so cite it or get kicked out.  There are no “mistakes” and you resign yourself to paraphrasing and crediting others for just about every little word you write, sometimes even the articles have to be rearranged.

Oh well, as Barbara Grizzuti Harrison said: “There are no original ideas. There are only original people.”

It’s so odd to change from this strict, disciplinary format to the free form “internets” style of cutting and pasting willy-nilly and plagiarizing has a completely different meaning in this mashed up communication culture.  Especially in fiction writing when everyone is inspired by someone or something else – Shakespeare, Marlowe, the use of literary allusions, parody and yes, the rise of fan fiction.

It certainly puts writers and artists who don’t have their work already copyrighted in a difficult position when everything is and expected to be “free” online.  I myself probably wouldn’t put my “serious” stuff online without it being copyrighted first – of course I’m being presumptuous that my stuff is good enough to be stolen, right?  That’s why I have no problem with fan fiction since I technically don’t own the original idea and I’m just mashing up my own literary influences in an “original” way.  Confusing right?  Well, welcome to the future of the online literary culture (Text Without Context, Author, 17, Says It’s ‘Mixing,’ Not Plagiarism).

Man, I hope we don’t have to go into citing everything in fiction too.

Inaugural Post

It’s stalled.  That’s all there is to say.  I’ve got the worst case of writer’s block.  I keep staring at this screen and nothing comes to mind – at least nothing productive.  All I can keep thinking of is what else I’d rather be doing…it’s 70 degrees outside, the birds are singing and the creek’s babbling below the window.  I know I’m committing self sabotage through my own procrastination, but admitting it seems to only increase my guilt and paralysis.

Yeah, yeah, yeah…the thesis isn’t going to write itself.  Whatever.   Anyway, this blog is just a vanity project to force me to write.  So, I’m on it – forging ahead and tackling that ever looming thesis.