Mental Arithmetic

Dateline: MONDAY, April 19 -  The outlook is uncertain today as the morning began with a case of mental malfunction.

I’ve had little sleep, am plagued by allergies and it’s another day of going through the motions of my daily routine.

1. Coffee, oatmeal – check.
2. Scanned depressing headlines, glossed over gossip sites – check.
3. Reviewed and approved documents in the system’s queue – check.
4. Answered emails and scheduled appointment requests (mostly for tomorrow since one Monday appointment is more than enough for me) – check.

Even in this heavy mind fog and on autopilot I ask myself – what’s my motivation, why am I here?

I don’t think I’ll be able to answer that anytime soon, at least not until the caffeine settles.  Though I have a feeling this is going to be a two cup coffee morning…should have ordered the double shot.  I knew it.

Luckily, life is a bit more forgiving about my motivational ambivalence or should that read “ambivalence about my motivations?”  Augh, stupid Monday mind traps!  I’ll edit it out later if need be.

I’m moving on now lest I lose this train of thought.

So, after doing some minor edits and breaking the third section of my fan fiction into smaller chapters for easier reading, I’m now working on the conflict exposition.  I’ve already alluded to it throughout the story, and I think most readers understand the basic why but writing the reason “why and how it came to be” is a delicate matter.

It’s done in a flashback so I’m essentially writing a story within a story. I’m happy with the start so far – but the thing I worry about most is the weight of the literary allusions in this chapter.  Yes, I know.  It’s a “fan fiction” what’s with the high brow “literary allusion” crap?  It’s my writing, and regardless of form, genre and whatnots, I’m not inclined to put out any ol’ willy-nilly.  Well, exclusive of my blog posts.  Though this is not to say that I have a lower standard for my blog postings; it’s just that you either have an imperfect rant of a posting or no postings at all given how slow I write.

Okay, so back to the topic.  Literary allusions, fiction’s riddled with them and some are done well and others not so well.  They’re powerful because they can enrich the text’s meaning, but you always have to be careful with them.  Like any piece of art, its power lies in its contextual meaning (time, place, cultural conventions, etc.) which will shift and change, but you always need to be aware of its origins – always being able to deconstruct it.

Yes, I know a certain economist and statistician who will disagree with the general value of art, but he’s disagreeing with me for the sake of disagreeing even though he knows I’m right.  And all I can say is that data without context is just numbers like Magritte’s pipe painting is just a picture of a pipe…but the added Ceci n’est pas une pipe (This is not a pipe) provides the valued context.

I’m veering again, so while it’s great to be able to pull from literature, you’ve got to make sure that you understand the context because it can really mess up your intended meaning.  However, sometimes your own ignorance can lead your writing in wonderful directions.  I used a line from one of Shakespeare’s plays in a play I had written a long time ago and my professor was quite impressed that I chose that particular line to deepen the meaning of my piece.

Brilliant of me right?  Nah, I only liked the way the line sounded and had absolutely no idea what he was talking about; but it got me an “A” and he thought I was smarts, so we’ll go with it.  I was completely mortified when I went back and reread Shakespeare’s play.  The particular line I used completely changed everything I had intended in my play if I had indeed wanted to use its original context.  I had thought about taking it out, but I left it in there because I liked the layer it added and how it deepened the piece for different audience members.

And that is the beauty of writing, its shifting meaning based on time, culture and personal histories…and that’s something I try to be aware when I’m carefully choosing my allusions.

Happy Endings

I’ve been meaning to write about this for some time now, and today is a slow morning.  Well, every morning is slow for me

I’m still pretty torn about this whole fan fiction piece I’ve written.  I go back every now and then to check on how many people are reading it.  There are three chapters and it’s a split between those who read only the first chapter and leave and those who read all the chapters.  Those are decent numbers – still no feedback.  However, there are a few readers who have requested an update for when I add the final chapter.

I have yet to write the last section, but I have the story structure down.  However, I’m grappling with how I want it to end and most importantly, if I want to finish it.   That is my current dilemma, and I’ve got those little voices running through my head.

“It’s a silly endeavor, go work on your original, more ‘serious’ stuff,” says Ms. Serious and Sensible.

“Girl, you’ve got that thesis to write.  Focus,” says prissy Ms. Prim and Practical.

“Yes, but you’ve got to finish what you’ve started.  What about your commitment to your characters, and even if they’re a small group you’ve got readers who want to know what happens…don’t you want to know what happens?” chimes in little Ms. Sensitive Artist.

Having this immediate access to readers is a wonderful thing about the internet, but it has its challenges too.

For one, I’m not sure how I feel about the lack of feedback from readers – especially of fan fiction because the fandom is pretty mixed from the casual players to the hardcore fangirl and fanboys.  Then there’s the existing canon that you’ve got to always consider.  So, having access to readers is nice because they’ll make sure to set you straight when you’re veering off from set parameters.  And that in and of itself is a double-edge sword because you’ve got those who do not want anything changed from the set universe.  People like what they like which is fine.

However, it can stifle creative growth and the writer has to sit back and reevaluate why and for whom they are writing: for the sake of the story, for yourself or for the reader.  Of course the answer is always a combination of all the above.  You always write for yourself because you’re the creator and what you do has to stay true to the story or else it fails.  As writing and reading are acts of communication and communication is symbolic of culture, you always have to keep the reader’s understanding of your work in mind or else this communication fails.

So, while I like the feedback, the silence isn’t so bad.  I know that professional writers are driven by hits and reader feedback.  There are some writers who get paid by the number of hits their piece generate – which would explain the numerous celebrity blogs and stories out there.  (I’m guilty of visiting a few.)

The creative direction and responsibility comes back to me on how this story ends; which always comes down to whether it should have a happy ending.   I’ve written several writer’s workshop stories that all ended differently, and most readers always want a definite ending – some resolution instead of my cop-out cliffhanger.  The question is if I’m being clichéd in having a happy ending or being trite with the usual dim dark “realistic” ending.

I know how I want it to end, and I think that the readers who actually enjoy the story will agree that it should end this way but it certainly won’t appeal to the hardcore fans.  Whatever, there’s so much darkness in this world; I don’t want to carry it over especially when it doesn’t feel right for what I’ve already created.  So, in the end, I believe in happy endings – why else do we strive to be and do better if we don’t believe in it?